On Reflection
by ThatFilmStudent
Summary: As Remus sleeps, Sirius lies on top of the sheets and observes the dozing werewolf, all-the-while reflecting on his time at Hogwarts. He thinks about when he first met Remus, and about how Remus saved his life. Remus/Sirius. *Mentions of Depressive Episodes.*


**I didn't think help would come in the form of a person, but there you were. – 21.01.17**

Sirius Black smiled placidly as he studied the profile of the person lying in the bed next to him. Cloudy grey eyes roamed over the face he knew so well; over the face of his lover and confidant for the past year: Remus Lupin, freakishly-intelligent werewolf and well-deserved Gryffindor.

Sirius had always thought Remus looked so peaceful and innocent when he was asleep. The lycanthrope's face was relaxed and unguarded, and Sirius thought Remus seemed at his most vulnerable when he was at rest. Sirius couldn't help but think that Remus looked so content and beautiful when in deep sleep.

Sometimes, when they were in their own beds in the dorms and Sirius slept in Remus' bed (or vice versa), he would just spend ages watching Remus sleep. Often it was in the moments before he fell asleep (always being the last to fall asleep) or just before Remus woke up (usually up before anyone else in the dorm but occasionally Sirius awoke earlier).

He preferred to think of observing Remus as **romantic** rather than creepy (as Peter had called it when James had admitted to doing it). And, as of yet, he had only been caught once by Remus. And, that time, he had been able to explain it away easily.

Soft grey eyes traced over the fine features of his werewolf friend. Sirius looked at the closed hazel-amber eyes that held the answers to every question he'd ever posed, and he admired the dark eyelashes that rested on Remus' pale cheeks delicately, making him look sinless and pure.

Metallic grey roved along the ever-so-slightly crooked nose that, in his personal opinion, only served to make Remus more perfect; Remus' flaws only made Sirius' ever-present feelings stronger and more pronounced.

His eyes came to rest on the plump Cupid's bow lips that he knew for a fact tasted as good as – if not **better** than – they looked.

Sirius sighed happily as a cool April breeze drifted in through the open window behind him and cooled him down. He had elected to lay on top of the sheets rather than in them next to the hot water bottle that was Remus Lupin. Remus, in contrast to Sirius, was wrapped up in the sheets, recovering from a recent transformation.

The previous night, Sirius had snuck in after lights out to spend time with Remus. However, when he'd gotten there, Remus had been fast asleep. Instead of leaving, Sirius had climbed carefully on top of the bed and lay down next to the snoozing werewolf.

He had watched Remus sleep until the other wizard had woken up. From then, they had spent some time kissing leisurely – Remus being too tired for anything more – and talking before the werewolf fell asleep again, arms wrapped around Sirius, trapping him. Not that Sirius had complained; it only meant that he didn't have to endure a night without Remus.

For the past six months, they had been sharing a bed but whenever Remus was laid up in hospital or after transformations, sometimes Sirius wasn't able to stay in the same bed. Often it was because Remus wanted the bed to himself after full moons, always feeling too hot or damaged to share with the Animagus. And Sirius, being the dutiful boyfriend that he was, respected Remus' wishes and left the lycanthrope's bed to sleep in his own cold bed.

He wasn't a fan of those nights, though. He didn't like not staying with Remus; it made him feel on edge and he did not like that feeling. On those nights, when he was all alone, he always had trouble sleeping. So, he felt very lucky that hours before, Remus hadn't sent him away. Remus had **wanted** him to stay. That thought alone was enough to make him smile.

He sighed contentedly and, as he looked at the innocent side profile of sleeping Remus, he couldn't help but remember the first time he'd met the werewolf. Of course, he hadn't known Remus was a 'Dark Creature' back then.

It had been in the first year when they first officially met, in the Gryffindor first year boys dorm room a couple of days after the Welcoming Feast.

Sirius had been more than a little wary of the people – being the first ever Black to be put in the rival House – and he had more or less stayed away from everyone in the red and gold House until James had practically forced him to talk to them.

Sirius knew (now) that he hadn't been easy to get along with in the first few weeks of school. He had still been very Blackified with his family's lessons and logic; he hadn't learned of the different and amazing types of people out there. In reflection, he reckoned that it was meeting Remus that essentially changed his views for the better. And, admittedly, that was all thanks to James.

Sirius had always been grateful for James' tireless persistence. James had essentially created the Marauders. He had made them all to talk and become best friends. They **all** , really, had James to thank. Not that Sirius would tell him that. The stag Animagus' head was big enough already – he didn't need Sirius inflating his ego even more!

Sirius would admit, though, that James was technically his first friend **ever**. And still remained his best mate ever. James and Remus were in different leagues, he rationalised. James was in a brother/best mate league, while Remus was in a whole other league of friend.

Remus, while Sirius had been staying away from everyone for the first few days, had also been hiding away; either in the library or behind drawn curtains or in a corner of the common room away from everyone.

Back in first year, Remus had been a timid, articulate but socially awkward swot when they'd first met. His nose was always stuck in a book and he had practically avoided James and Sirius and Peter for the first few weeks of school.

Despite his avoidance, Sirius could still remember the first words Remus ever spoke to him: _'You've spelled that wrong.'_

It was so very Remus, Sirius thought. He still marvelled at the progress Remus had made since then. The werewolf was practically a social butterfly! Well, not really; but he was a damned sight better than he had once been. And it was all thanks to him and James, he thought modestly.

It had been around October that James, with his annoying optimism and overly-friendly nature, had decided enough was enough. He had all but forced Remus to talk to them. They had learned of Remus' odd upbringing – away from people, and the reason for his lack of social skills – and they had quickly made friends, the four of them.

It was in second year that they had all become closer than ever, forming an unbreakable bond. That was the year when they had officially formed their own pack, their own tight-knit family: the Marauders.

They had learned of Remus' affliction and stuck by him. And, from then on, they had all formed an adamantine bond.

They had formed the 'Marauders' after a prank on the Slytherin's that James and Sirius had pulled and Remus and Peter had, unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you looked at it), been put in detention with them.

The two Half-blood's had been pretty lax on prank-pulling up until that point. Remus and Peter had helped out now and again but they were rarely ever fully associated with the stunts. That antic, however, they had been blamed for along with the Pureblood's.

They had been stupid enough to stand next to (and laugh along with) James and Sirius, and Professor McGonagall had assumed it was the four of them. She had then put them all in detention together.

Whilst scrubbing the Transfiguration corridor, Remus had suggested **not** getting caught and when Sirius had asked how **exactly** they would do that (he remembered being very sarcastic as a youth – something that Remus had adopted and still, to that day, tended to be), Remus had replied that it was easy.

With that omission, they had, all four of them, pulled off a masterful prank – one that implicated none of them as they all had cast-iron alibies – and none of them had received detention. And from that moment on, James had named them the Marauders and they became infamous.

Looking back, Sirius realised that Remus had always been there for him. Even back when he had been an absolute prat, Remus had always treated him the same as everyone else. Meeting Remus had changed him for the better, he knew. And he supposed he had James to thank for that. He still wasn't going to go and thank him, though – overinflated egos and all that.

Remus shifted in the hospital bed – drawing his arm up to rest at the top of his head – and Sirius was jolted back to the present.

He stared at the werewolf and realised with sudden clarity that if he hadn't met Remus or had Remus in his life, it would've been a lot different. As he observed Remus, Sirius realised just how much he needed the werewolf. Without Remus, he reckoned he wouldn't be alive today. Remus had saved him from himself.

He knew that Remus had deep insecurities; that the lycanthrope often felt useless and worthless. But, without Remus, Sirius **knew** he wouldn't have been alive still. There had been one particular low point, just after he had been officially disowned, when Remus had saved him.

His lowest point had been in their sixth year. It was in February – a few weeks before he and Remus had gotten together – and Sirius had **officially** been disowned from the Black family. He had ran away in the summer between fifth year and sixth year and, since he hadn't been disowned in the several months between then, he had thought it wouldn't happen.

But then all Hell had broken loose.

Sirius broke up with his then boyfriend Ankou Carlson (which, in all honesty was more damage to his pride than his heart – he had never really been emotionally invested in that particular relationship) and his family had somehow found out about his sexuality.

Upon realising that he wouldn't produce an heir at any point, Sirius had gotten a Howler (in the middle of the Great Hall, humiliating him in front of everyone) from his parents and had been very publically disowned. He had been burned off the family tapestry and cut off from his inheritance.

Sirius had spiralled from then.

After then, he had been publically but anonymously outed to everyone in the school – he didn't know who by, but he suspected it to be either Avery, Mulciber or Rosier. He didn't know how they'd found out either, but he knew that none of his friends had said anything.

Every day he received taunts and verbal abuse from his peers (mostly Slytherin's but some in other Houses had participated, too) and he had been forced to be on high alert for his own (and his friends') safety when the threats started to become serious. All of that he had been able to handle – **just** – but it was when his own brother turned his back on him that he broke.

Regulus had completely abandoned him and Sirius just **broke**.

He had gone up to the Astronomy Tower, with no particular agenda other than to get away from everyone. He just wanted to escape people, various Gryffindor's and even his best mates included. He knew that they were all just trying to help him, but at the time, he had just felt smothered and claustrophobic.

He had stolen a couple of bottles of Firewhiskey and had taken to drinking it in solitude.

However, drinking and depression do not mix well and he found himself with the ingenious idea of ending his predicament by throwing himself into oblivion. It had been a brilliant idea in his intoxicated mind and he had been in the middle of debating it, standing atop the Astronomy Tower and looking down at the ground below, when Remus had found him and pulled him back to reality.

That night, Remus had sat with him all night – and many nights after – and had talked with him, listening and helping. He didn't say anything when Sirius cried (something which Sirius was inexplicably grateful for) and he stayed silent if anyone asked what they talked about, leaving it to Sirius to reveal what he wanted to. Peter found out some of it, James found out more, but Remus became his primary confidant with such things.

After that incident, his and Remus' friendship had become more intimate and eventually they had started dating. Shortly after that, Remus (in an uncharacteristic display of emotion – and more specifically, of **anger** ) had punched Evan Rosier and broke his nose.

The unusual action from Remus had served as a warning to all those who dared to taunt or harass Sirius (or any of them, really) that it would not be tolerated. The fact that they had gotten a rise out of Remus seemed to stop all bullying activity where it concerned any of the Marauders or their friends.

Sirius knew for a fact that, if he hadn't met Remus or became friends with the other wizard, he would have been non-existent a lot sooner.

Sirius was startled from his musings when he heard a huffed laugh from next to him and Remus spoke.

"Padfoot, why are you staring at me?" he asked, eyes still closed but a small smile graced his face.

"I wasn't," Sirius denied, wondering how to explain this away. He had no clue of how long Remus had been awake. It was possible that this time, his staring couldn't be explained away.

Remus snorted. "Sure." He shifted slightly and Sirius, for the first time that morning, saw Remus' hazel-amber eyes – the same eyes he had thought about earlier that answered all of his questions easily. "What are you thinking about?" he asked, looking at Sirius through half-lidded eyes.

"Hm? Oh, uh…" Sirius shrugged and smiled innocently. "Nothing really."

Remus nodded weakly and looked at his surroundings. "Mhm," he murmured before looking back at Sirius. "And the real answer?"

Sirius sighed and shrugged again. "Just…" He debated it for a second. "Just you," he answered.

Remus frowned. "Me?" he questioned, obviously confused; Sirius nodded. "What about me?"

Sirius shifted so that he was sitting up on the bed facing Remus, legs crossed as he played with Remus' long-fingered hand.

"I was just thinking about the day we met," he said. "And how much of a prat I was. And sixth year – the Astronomy Tower. And when you punched Rosier."

Remus stiffened slightly, always becoming a little worried whenever Sirius' depression was mentioned. Sirius wondered if it was because Remus thought that he was going through it again. He wasn't but he knew that, sometimes, it couldn't be avoided. And he knew that, as long as he had Remus and his friends, he was fine.

Remus pushed himself up so he was in a seating position across from Sirius; Sirius continued to play with the strong hand as the werewolf spoke.

"Why were you thinking about that?" he asked.

Sirius shrugged and smiled sadly. "Because it was a low point. And I just…" He paused and looked up, catching Remus' intense concentrated gaze. "I didn't think help would come in the form of a person, but there you were…"

Several emotions flitted over the werewolf's face – too fast for Sirius to understand them all but he picked up a few: happiness, gratitude, love and confusion.

"Sirius…"

"You saved me, Remus," Sirius interjected, giving Remus' hand a gentle squeeze. "I was just thinking about how lucky I was– **am** , to have you. If I'd never met you, my life would be a lot worse off."

Silence reigned for a moment after his confession as they both just stared at one another. Remus' face was neutral and Sirius hated the fact that he couldn't read Remus as well as the werewolf could him.

To everyone, Sirius Black was a riddle; you only knew his true feelings if he was angry or happy. But, to Remus, he was practically a children's book – easy to read even if he was pretending to be something else.

To everyone, Sirius included, Remus was an enigma. He was aloof, guarded and uneasy to read. He always had a polite mask on. Sirius could read him sometimes but it wasn't easy. He had spent seven years learning when Remus was actually happy and when he was fake-happy. Looking at Remus as he was then, Sirius couldn't tell what Remus was thinking.

He knew soon after, though, as in one swift movement, he was pulled by a strong hand on his neck into a lingering and heartfelt kiss.

Sirius knew what the kiss meant. It was a show of thanks and love. Neither of them had expressed what they truly felt in actual words yet, but that just made the kiss all the more meaningful. It was a substitute, yes, but it was perfect for them. Sirius returned it eagerly, hoping to portray his feelings through the light lip-lock.

Remus pulled back moments later and sniffed subtly, eyes attached to Sirius' lips, making Sirius smile. He reckoned he'd gotten his point across. Hazel-amber eyes looked up, then, and caught Sirius' cloudy grey. They stared at one another for a couple of moments before Remus leaned in again to place a short and chaste kiss on the Animagus' lips. He pulled back again and smiled.

"You saved me, too, Sirius," Remus admitted. "You may not think you have, but if I hadn't met you, I couldn't say in all honesty that I'd still be here."

Sirius grinned, feeling his heart thumping fast against his ribcage at the words spilling out of Remus' mouth. He knew the ultimate meaning behind Remus' words but he couldn't help but see the positivity in them. They had saved each other, essentially.

Sirius had actually managed to, in some way, repay Remus for everything. They had a perfect relationship, one of give-and-take and support. **That** , he thought, was better than any _'I love you'_.

Wanting to show Remus how hard-hitting and how appreciated his words were, Sirius gently pushed Remus back against the hospital bed pillows and climbed on top of him, straddling the werewolf carefully. He was mindful of Remus' recent injuries – a large colourful bruise on his ribs and a couple of scratches (non-scarring, he added mentally) on his arms.

He kissed Remus lightly at first, teasing the werewolf, before he deepened the kiss.

Sirius had been truthful when he said those words to Remus; he hadn't expected help to come in the form of a person and he **definitely** hadn't expected it to be Remus. If he was honest, he hadn't expected help to come at all but he found he was ecstatic that it came in the form of Remus.

On reflection, Sirius was glad of everything that had happened in his life. He was glad that he had been put into Gryffindor and he was grateful for Remus Lupin (and James Potter).

He realised that, if he had the chance to go back and change anything – being sorted into Gryffindor, being disowned and his family finding out, being outed and bullied mercilessly, being so low that he was ready to jump off the Astronomy Tower – he wouldn't change a thing. Because, without all of that happening, he mightn't have gotten with Remus and been at his happiest.

* * *

 **DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters.**

 **NOTE: this is posted in 'A PostSecret Collection' too.**  
 **Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it! =)**


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